9 Fucken Months

I haven't written anything in a while. Scratch that. I haven't posted anything in a while BUT I've written plenty.

I haven't been happy enough with anything I've written to post it though.

It's been a crazy couple of months. My work life has been crazy busy as always. I've struggled a lot with balancing work and baby day to day and some days are just horrible.

Audrey is now 9 months old and is no longer a little baby. She is the worlds fastest crawler, silent like a ninja sometimes. As soon as she is near anything that she can pull herself up on, she is standing and cruising around. If the object moves then off she goes walking it around the house. None of our dining chairs stay in the same spot for very long. This week she has even started trying to stand unsupported.

There are now 5 razor sharp teeth in her mouth, with 2 more currently cutting through and her hair has finally started growing.

She is also such a chatter. Loves the words 'mama' and 'up' at the moment. It is just amazing to watch her grow and develop day by day.

Over the last month we have developed a really good routine. One which I thought might be lost when Audrey got sick last week but thankfully it mostly has continued to run smoothly.

We have set nap and meal times and if we stick to them then the evenings are soo much more pleasant. The days when her routine is messed with are the hardest for me. I have to spend so much more time getting her back on track over the following days and with my work load, it's not easy.

I'm finding it hard to get as much work done as i need and find myself doing more and more after hours or on weekends to make up for it. I've started talking myself into looking at child care. It is not something I wanted to do before 12 months but I realise now that I cant keep going like this if I'm wanting to stay on top of things.

I never thought I'd be THAT mum who can't handle the thought of leaving their kid at child care. I mean, yeah, I always expected the first day would be rough but I'm struggling to make the appointments to just go and have a LOOK at places. It's really quite daunting and scary. I'm looking to book her in for 2 days a week so that I can have some solid work days. Mostly I'll still be working from home but it gives me the freedom to go into the office when necessary... AND also some time to myself because that just doesn't happen anymore. Ever!

I am also trying to make time for birthday prep. Audrey will be ONE in less then 3 months... (What the hell!!)

We decided we were going to have some fun with Audrey's 1st birthday to celebrate surviving a shit pregnancy and a really full on first year of parenthood... Oh yeah, and I guess we'll celebrate Aude's birthday too.

But I'll talk a little more about that soon.

xx
Smorgy


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What Are You Doing To Me Kid?

Today Audrey woke up in the best mood... At 3 fucken AM.

I however, was not in a good mood. I'd been awake for an hour and a half with my jaw pain and was not mentally or physically ready for her to wake like that.

With all the pain and suffering Audrey put me through for the nine months she was growing inside me Audrey has made it back to me by being a good sleeper.

From 5 weeks old she was sleeping through the night. Occasionally she would want a feed around 3.30-4am but most nights she didn't wake till 6am.

For the last month she has slept till 8am most mornings, which is amazing and then will often go down for her first nap within an hour of waking which gives me time to have a shower and get some work done before she wakes again.

But last night she decided to wake... and she was WIDE awake!

Normally if she wakes during the night she will stir for a little bit to warn me and give me time to warm a bottle. But that was not the case last night. She just flipped onto her front and started talking away.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because I know many mums have to deal with babies who don't sleep well, have to get up several times at night for feeds, but when your body gets used to not having to do these things it really throws you out of whack when it happens.

For most of 2015 I slept terribly. Whilst pregnant I was too nauseous to sleep. As the months went on my back and hips ached constantly and I had terrible reflux. I could never get comfortable and then the first month of Audrey's life she would wake every 3 hours to feed. So I kind of feel like I earned a good sleeper. But where has she gone?

I seriously lost my shit this morning. There was lots and lots of silent screaming while the kettle boiled. BJ offered to feed her, which just made me feel even worse because he had to be up in 2 hours for work and hasn't been sleeping great lately.

I had my cry, gave Audrey her bottle and settled her back to sleep. After which I was still wide awake and in pain. I have no idea what time I finally fell asleep but I felt a lot better when I next woke.

#mumlife

xx
Smorgy

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Grinding It Up

After some seriously painful nights of no sleep last week we established that I have started grinding my teeth due to stress. 

What could I possibly be stressed about?!

Oh I don't know, how about doing enough work for two full time staff while looking after an almost 6 month old. That's normal, right?!

Currently still in my pj's. Haven't gotten to shower or enjoy a minute of downtime when Audrey has napped because there is just too much work to do. Writing this is my downtime and it's purely to get out the frustration so that I can concentrate on work again.

Originally I thought the pain was coming from my tooth because I was meant to get a filling fixed last year but was pregnant and since having Audrey there has not been a spare moment to even think about booking in a dentist appointment.  But when I went to the dentist she informed me that it is not tooth pain at all. It's stress pain.

I've had two Osteo appointments to try and sort it out. Talk about painful! She put her fingers inside my mouth to work on muscles up between my lip and gums. It's given me some relief but the pain keeps coming back because the stress is still there.

I'm popping nurofen like candy and thats not giving me much relief. The Osteo suggested a muscle relaxant but when I have to look after Audrey it's just not an option. 

Audrey is now a fully qualified roller. Within 10 seconds she is under the coffee table or has managed to get a dog toy from the other side of the room. I am trying to stretch her bottles out to every 4 hours and in doing this she has decided to change her wake up time from 7.30-8am to 6am which really isn't helping when I'm barely sleeping because of the pain.

It is a horrible hot day and with Audrey's gums bothering her we have not had a great morning. I have so much I need to do for work but just can't find the minute to focus on it and get things done. 

BJ is now on his way home but it's going to be at least 1 1/2 hours before he gets here. Once he is home he gets to deal with a grumpy-mess of a wife for the evening. Like he has had to for every evening for the last few weeks. Lucky him!

Just got Audrey down for a nap which could last 30 minutes or 3 hours, so I say 'Fuck it!' I'm going to enjoy another maltesers block with my second can of coke for the day and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. I've fucken earnt them!

They were delicious. Time to attempt to get some more work done. 

xx

Smorgy

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Bibs - 1001 Uses

Thinking back on the last 5 months, yesterday definitely falls in the 'Top 5 bad days of motherhood' list.

I found myself sitting at my desk wiping away my tears with one of Audrey's bibs. The frustration of the day finally caught up with me and I couldn't contain it anymore.

Normally this would be fine because 95% of the time I work from home. But yesterday I was actually in the office surrounded by staff. I remember getting to the point that I just wanted to stand up and hand her to someone and just walk away for a bit. But I kept trying to tell myself that I didn't need anyones help. When I'm at home I manage perfectly fine on my own, so I can do it here. I collected myself and decided to pack up and go home because I wasn't getting anything done in there. Then someone offered to make me a cup of tea and the tears started again. This time everyone noticed.

At home, I can put her down in her cot to nap, put her on her mat to play without her being in the way and I can get what I need to do done. But when I'm in the office I'm slowed down by everyone else wanting me for something, other jobs all of a sudden needing to be done, I can't put her down safely with all the foot traffic going on and IF she does grace me with a nap, I'm lucky to get 30 minutes from her when she is in her pram.

Yesterday Audrey was super fussy. Just sooking and wanting every minute of your attention but still not being satisfied with that. Refusing to finish any of her bottles. Not wanting to be held, or be on the floor or in her pram. Nothing would please her.

Two girlfriends told me that I'm doing a great job and that everyone has these moments and I appreciated it but I didn't feel like I was doing a great job at all. I felt like since the moment she was born I've had soo much pressure on me to do my job and look after her at the same time. I know lot of that I've put on myself but a lot of it I also didn't really have a choice.

I never really got to have maternity leave with Audrey. I am lucky if I get one day a week without having to do anything work related.

I've been having a emotional week, hormones are going mental and each day has been a struggle to keep my head above water. BJ's been working an early shift this week which means he gets home by about 5pm. Normally that would be perfect and I'd love it but by 5pm I'm just a mess. Mentally exhausted after a day of trying to do everything.

I know I can't do everything. Audrey is often in the same onesie she slept in for the whole day because I forget to change her. She can go more then a couple of days between baths because I struggle to get down on the floor and bathe her.

Dinner is often late because I forget to defrost the mince or Audrey decides that she wants my full attention in the evening and sooks if I look away to chop veggies.

When BJ got home he found Audrey rolling around on the floor and me sitting on the couch crying, because once it starts, it's hard to stop. He gave me a hug and played with Audrey and finally I felt like I could breath again. Audrey went down for a nice long nap before BJ headed back out for the night and I finally got some time to myself that didn't involving having to rush through a shower or shovel some food into my mouth. I sat down with a block of chocolate and a cold can of coke and I watched some trash on the tv and I just breathed.

I just looked up from my computer screen at her on the floor and she has pushed herself soo high up on her hands and is just smiling at me with those amazing chubby cheeks of hers.

Fuck I love that kid.

xx
Smorgy


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One Year Ago Today

2015 started with mixed emotions. I was in the early stages of my pregnancy which was exciting and nerve racking. I was sick as a dog which left me with very little energy to be positive and an ongoing worry that something bad might happen.

One year ago today was one of my worse days of my pregnancy.I hadn't kept any food or liquids down in days, couldn't stand or lift my head and even when I laid perfectly still and didn't attempt to inject anything I was still vomiting constantly. To the point that there was just nothing but dry reaching and tearless cries.

This was the day that I went to the emergency room because I just didn't know what else to do and I couldn't suffer through the pain anymore.

Something I couldn't post about at the time because I was only 9 weeks pregnant.

At about 7.30pm, Mum drove me to Box Hill and we sat in the emergency waiting area for about 3 hours before they took me to a bed. In that 3 hours I had my blood pressure tested and was given some Zofran wafers to try and help me to stop vomiting.

As BJ didn't want the boys to be home alone he stayed with them and I kept him updated throughout the night via text (because I forgot to take a charger and had very little battery).

I was in the bed for at least an hour before I actually saw a nurse or doctor. When the nurse finally came in to insert my IV, it took her 6 attempts in my arms and hands because I was so dehydrated, my veins were nonexistent. She then called in the doctor and he got the IV in first go in the side of my wrist.

I was immediately black and blue from all the attempts, exhausted and starving. 4ltrs of fluids rang through the IV over the next 8 hours. Maxalon, Zofran and Panadol all consumed and one nurse actually went and found me something to eat at 2am when I finally felt like I could hold food down.

Whilst in the hospital bed all I could hear was the neighbouring patient talking with the doctors about her miscarriage. Not the best conversation to be hearing when you are only 9 weeks along, sick and scared about what's going to happen.

In the morning mum had to leave and head to work and not long after BJ showed up to sit with me until I could go home. But while I was there on my own all that raced through my head was 'am I able to do this?'. At this point we were crossing our fingers that by 12 weeks I'd start feeling better. (fat chance.)

It was about 12.30pm before I was discharged and we headed home to the boys who were eager to know where I'd been all night.

From that day I started a daily cocktail of Zofran wafers twice a day and Maxalon every 8 hours to make it possible for me to stomach food and liquids again. This continued right up until Audrey was born. In 7 months we spend over $1200 on the wafers alone.

This is a memory that is still very strong and one of the many reasons why I get so upset when people ask me 'when are you going back for more' or tell me 'you'll forget and have another'.

After getting to know Audrey these last 5 months I can say that I am glad I went through that 9 months of pain... But... it doesn't mean I'm interested in going through it all ever again.

Here is to feeling well in 2016.

xx
Smorgy


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Goodbye 2015

Well where do I begin...

This has been one crazy year. One year ago today I found out that I was pregnant after having some tests done a few days earlier as things just didn't seem right and the results were pregnancy and PCOS.

I announced the news to BJ while he was at work and that night we celebrated we brought in the new year, smiling about our little secret.

I then had two lovely weeks before the morning sickness started... and didn't stop for 8 whole months. My hyperemesis included the struggle to get out of bed or eat food, inability to stand in the shower, an overnight stay in the emergency room, Zofran wafers twice a day at $100 for 12 days worth and several trips to the doctors for Maxalon injections and repeat scripts.

By the end of my first trimester i had lost 10kg and got into a routine with my medication so that I was semi functional. I could get myself to work most days by 10.30am and could only stay on my feet for short periods of time. I could handle small meals and the only way to stomach water was for it to be ice cold and flavoured with cola cordial. Enormous amounts of ice was consumed throughout my pregnancy.

The announcement of our pregnancy happened at the end of February and Facebook went mental.

Before I had fallen pregnant (and knew I was going to be sick as anything for the entire thing) we bought tickets to go see Conor Oberst play a twilight show at the Melbourne Zoo and it took everything I had to get myself there only to have them cancel it 3 songs in due to a storm that was about to hit.

My year continued with lot's of medication, very little sleep, constant hips/back pain and then we found out the sex. A girl! A reminder about why i'm going through all this. Once again Facebook goes mental after a subtle gender reveal.

Amongst all this we sold our house and spent every free moment going to open homes to get a new place to live. Our sale was fantastic, finding a new place to live however was very time consuming and we had a lot of disappointment. Missing out on 3 properties and getting to the point that we almost had to rent as we were running out of time to find a place. Luckily we secured our new home and then the packing began. 

Appointment after appointment. Doctors, midwives, ultrasounds, osteo's... And then it was time to have my glucose tolerance test... and *Dramatic pause* I had gestational diabetes... Of course! 4 times a day I was having to test my blood sugar levels by pricking my finger and keep track of it all.

A couple of weeks after trying to manage my GD and being unsuccessful had me started on insulin. So on top of my 4 finger pricks a day I now had 3 needles in my tummy and EVEN more appointments. More doctors, more ultrasounds, more scripts and regular endo visits.

Our houses settle and we move into our new home while I was 8 months pregnant. Once we move in we find out that the previous owners didn't clean at all, the heater and evaporative cooling were not connected properly, no safety switch and there was a gas leak. So now I add even more appointments. Electrician, plumber, handyman. 

The last month of my pregnancy was weekly ultrasounds, monitoring and doctors/endo appointments and I get booked in to be induced. 

After a long and frustrating 24 hours in the hospital I was induced and Audrey J was brought into the world on the 5th September.. Within 4 hours! Crazy!! BJ and I were officially parents!

The moment Audrey was born I stopped feeling sick. It has been almost 4 months now and I am the lightest I've weighed in the last 8 years. It has been one hell of a roller coaster trying to find a balance between looking after Audrey and work. I barely took 6 days off when Audrey was born (still taking calls and answering emails in hospital) before I started working again (from home mostly). There have been a lot moments where I've just wanted to scream and cry when it comes to work let me tell you.

From 4 weeks Audrey was sleeping through the night. We had some hiccups with feeding and her first cold. She is now over 6kgs of pure cheekiness, giggling, grasping, rolling onto her back and the smile she gives me every time she see's me after her nap is just the best thing ever.

I also celebrated my 29th birthday and we had Audrey's first Christmas. It was soo fun to include her in our family christmas photo. I don't know how we are going to top it next year.

So although most of my year was a struggle to get through it is definitely ending on a high note. This year has taught me that I can do ANYTHING. That I am strong and determined and that nothing can stop me. 

And even though I will be reminding Audrey throughout her entire life about all the pain and suffering she put me through in those 9 months, I am so thankful for her and all that she has taught me already. 

Here's to a happy and healthy 2016.

xx

Smorgy

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