Working Mum

I often make myself feel bad about not taking Audrey out to the park or sitting on the floor for ages playing with her until I remind myself that I work full time... weather Audrey is home or at Child Care.

Audrey currently goes to Child Care one day a week but I work EVERY day.

I took about 6 days off when Audrey was born. But if you ask BJ I didn’t even take that long because I still checked emails and took calls.

I am lucky enough to be able to work from home but it does have its disadvantages. I am expected to be able to do things at the drop of a hat and because there is always work to do I never really give myself a break. If Audrey’s napping I’m working, she’s wake I’m working, BJ goes out one night I’m working.

I don’t feel bad about working. I am providing for my family and that is important to me. Even if the money weren’t needed I would still want to work because I don’t want to be a ‘stay at home’ mum. I don’t want the title of ‘Audrey’s mum’ to be the only thing that defines me.

I don’t have anything against stay at home mums. That’s just not for me.

But when I see on social media people having lunch at the park with their kids I do have those moments where I feel a little guilty. Like I should be doing more, I should be trying harder. But again I remind myself that my situation is different and that’s ok.

I also remind myself that Audrey is not missing out, she is not deprived of anything. She is loved and looked after. Plus she is a happy kid. I work this hard for her. To give her the best I possibly can. And from me working she has learnt to be very independent and that makes me happy.

She is not sitting watching a screen all day, she is not in any devices like a jolly jumpers while I work. She is playing with her toys and learning. Being independent has helped this kid learn some amazing things. If there is a milestone to hit, she’s done it... and in most cases, months earlier then expected.

We have had a routine since day one. It was necessary for me to be able to get all my work done around Audrey’s needs. Specific nap, bottle, meal and bath times. I can plan my whole week because I know that between ‘these times’ Audrey will be napping and between ‘these times’ she needs to be awake so that she will go down without any issues at bedtime.

Audrey is not one to sleep in the car or pram these days so to make life easier, I avoid putting us in situations where she’s going to miss a nap.

Though our routine has had to change several times as Audrey’s grown, we work hard to figure out the what works best for Audrey with her new routine and then we stick to it because that’s how this household runs smoothly and how we keep everyone happy.

We are reaching the point where Audrey is going to transition to one nap a day and honestly I’m not ready for the transitioning part of this change but I know that once we get her into a routine she will do great.

I guess I just wanted to write this to remind myself that I’m doing an ok job. 

Scratch that… I’m doing a great fucking job!!

And so are all the other working mums out there!! We all deserve a night out! (Kid free of course) 

We did do some drawing time this week... It's not a trip to the park but it's something

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Bibs - 1001 Uses

Thinking back on the last 5 months, yesterday definitely falls in the 'Top 5 bad days of motherhood' list.

I found myself sitting at my desk wiping away my tears with one of Audrey's bibs. The frustration of the day finally caught up with me and I couldn't contain it anymore.

Normally this would be fine because 95% of the time I work from home. But yesterday I was actually in the office surrounded by staff. I remember getting to the point that I just wanted to stand up and hand her to someone and just walk away for a bit. But I kept trying to tell myself that I didn't need anyones help. When I'm at home I manage perfectly fine on my own, so I can do it here. I collected myself and decided to pack up and go home because I wasn't getting anything done in there. Then someone offered to make me a cup of tea and the tears started again. This time everyone noticed.

At home, I can put her down in her cot to nap, put her on her mat to play without her being in the way and I can get what I need to do done. But when I'm in the office I'm slowed down by everyone else wanting me for something, other jobs all of a sudden needing to be done, I can't put her down safely with all the foot traffic going on and IF she does grace me with a nap, I'm lucky to get 30 minutes from her when she is in her pram.

Yesterday Audrey was super fussy. Just sooking and wanting every minute of your attention but still not being satisfied with that. Refusing to finish any of her bottles. Not wanting to be held, or be on the floor or in her pram. Nothing would please her.

Two girlfriends told me that I'm doing a great job and that everyone has these moments and I appreciated it but I didn't feel like I was doing a great job at all. I felt like since the moment she was born I've had soo much pressure on me to do my job and look after her at the same time. I know lot of that I've put on myself but a lot of it I also didn't really have a choice.

I never really got to have maternity leave with Audrey. I am lucky if I get one day a week without having to do anything work related.

I've been having a emotional week, hormones are going mental and each day has been a struggle to keep my head above water. BJ's been working an early shift this week which means he gets home by about 5pm. Normally that would be perfect and I'd love it but by 5pm I'm just a mess. Mentally exhausted after a day of trying to do everything.

I know I can't do everything. Audrey is often in the same onesie she slept in for the whole day because I forget to change her. She can go more then a couple of days between baths because I struggle to get down on the floor and bathe her.

Dinner is often late because I forget to defrost the mince or Audrey decides that she wants my full attention in the evening and sooks if I look away to chop veggies.

When BJ got home he found Audrey rolling around on the floor and me sitting on the couch crying, because once it starts, it's hard to stop. He gave me a hug and played with Audrey and finally I felt like I could breath again. Audrey went down for a nice long nap before BJ headed back out for the night and I finally got some time to myself that didn't involving having to rush through a shower or shovel some food into my mouth. I sat down with a block of chocolate and a cold can of coke and I watched some trash on the tv and I just breathed.

I just looked up from my computer screen at her on the floor and she has pushed herself soo high up on her hands and is just smiling at me with those amazing chubby cheeks of hers.

Fuck I love that kid.

xx
Smorgy


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Head Above Water

It's been 2 months since Audrey was born and I'm starting to feel like I've got a hang of this 'mum' thing.

In that first month i lost myself a bit. No making any time for me. When I had a break while she was napping it was mostly spent working

I've started quiet a few posts since she's been born but just haven't been in the right head space to work on them and get them right but I am hoping soon I will be able to post more. I want to document what's been going on in my life since Audrey joined us.

Over the last 2 months our world has changed. Not just for me and BJ but for our boys Gordon and Cooper. They have been so great with Audrey and I'm so proud of them.

BJ has now been back at work for a few weeks and since he went back it has given Audrey and I a chance to develop a routine. I've got a great system going with getting her down for her naps, keeping bottles clean and sterilised, getting the washing done and making sure I sit down and have a lunch break every day. I've gotten on top of my work (mostly) and I've even had a few adventures out of the house, just me and Audrey.

I've learnt very quickly that you need to add even more time then you excepted to get everyone ready and out of the house on time, that people have no respect for prams at the shops and even though there is a million things that need to be done, sometimes I just need to sit down with some chocolate and the tv and unwind.

She is a pretty cool kid and surprises me every day with how much she is learning and growing. And boy is she growing!

xx
Smorgy

Look at her cheeky face

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A Full Plate

So far in 2015 I have found out I was pregnant, suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (severe morning sickness), struggled with every day things like work and doing dishes, eating proper meals, prepared our house to go on the market and sold it. 

It has really been a crazy, busy year so far and we still have so much more on our list before this baby arrives in September. The most important thing is finding a new home and moving in the next couple of months.

I have been pretty upfront and honest about my struggles through this pregnancy. When people ask me how I am I generally sugar coat it but if they ask more in depth questions I answer them truthfully. I have had many a day lately where I have thoughts about our decision to try and get pregnant and wonder if we made the right one. And I can honestly say that I do not enjoy being pregnant at all. It has not been an experience I will look back on and cherish.

I know it's going to be a distant memory once the baby comes but right now it's full on.

I'm 24 weeks along and am starting to look pregnant. The belly no longer stays hidden. I'm really self conscious about it and I am not looking forward to people grabbing at it. 

I do however I really like the look on BJ's face when he see's it. He has a look of happiness and excitement, which is nice to see.

I am TRYING to focus on the positives of this pregnancy. The main obviously being a happy, healthy baby girl at the end of it all. Our eyes were a bit bigger then our stomach when we filled our plates this year.

xx
Smorgy

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