Help Needed!

I am not one to ask for help. 

I don't like being let down and I would rather figure things out myself and make it work somehow then ask for help and be disappointed. 

It's happened too many times to count and it just makes everything worse.

I have been sick for the last 2 months. I've had four courses of antibiotic, multiple appointments and I've hit so many walls through that time. I've struggled with trying to work full time, be a mother, keep my house clean, organise/plan our bathroom renovation, all while attempting to make time for myself to rest and get better without feeling guilty or pressured.

This week my doctor sent me to get a chest x-ray to make sure nothing was being missed and I just found out it's come back clear. They swabbed my throat and confirmed that i have a respiratory virus and my only option is to just wait it out. 

I just have to deal with feeling like shit until I don't feel shitty anymore. And somehow I still have to keep on top of everything else when all I want to do is lie in bed.

Yesterday I hit another wall...hard! 

I was done! I wanted to quit my job, crawl up in my bed with a block of chocolate and cry forever. And in that moment I asked BJ for help.

Today he was able to work from home which allowed me to have some support with Audrey and lifted the weight off my shoulders a bit.

Audrey was so excited to have him home today. She didn't want me to do anything. BJ had to change the nappies, get her food and work whilst she sat on his lap. He got a little glimpse of what it's like for me every day. 

People often respond with 'You're lucky!' when I tell them I work from home. But what they don't realised is that it means I never get to 'leave work'. I live at my work. And i'm expected to drop everything when something needs to be done. 

I wonder if work is the reason why i'm so sick. 

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Gig Life

It has been almost 2 years since I last went to a gig. We use to go to so many but the reduced after we bought out first home and has now become a rare treat since having Audrey.

The last gig I went to was Conor Oberst at the Twilight Zoo in 2015. I was almost 13 weeks pregnant, sick as a dog and we'd just announce that we were having a baby earlier that day. I really shouldn't have gone but I didn't want to miss the chance to picnic in the zoo amongst the animals listening to Conor live.

The forecast said that it was going to rain that night so we were prepared with umbrellas and rain ponchos.

We arrived and got a nice spot on the grass with a few friends we were meeting there and other friends that we bumped into. We set ourselves up, got some drinks and hot food and for a moment I forgot that I had been soo sick for the last 7 weeks.

After the first performer played Conor comes up on stage. Honestly, I could count the number of songs he played on one hand before the lightening started and the clouds rolled in. The venue organisers told him that they had to cancel and send everyone home and Conor got up on stage and told us the bad news himself. He felt bad and wasn't happy about the whole thing.

We packed up all of our staff and started walking towards the exits. Not 2 minutes into our walk the storm hit. Everyone was saturated instantly. Running and screaming through the zoo we all tried to get out quickly. Umbrellas were breaking left and right... Only one of ours survived.

We jumped in the car and laughed sooo hard. What an experience!! How many people can say that has happened to them?!

That was one of the few times during my pregnancy where I actually forgot I was sick. It's one of my fondest pregnancy memories.

We had tickets to another gig during my pregnancy (which were purchased before I was pregnant) and I decided to sell my ticket because I knew that I wouldn't have survived it. I was going to be about 6 months pregnant at an all standing loud, rough, sold out gig. Even if I was feeling well I wouldn't have risked the crowd while pregnant.

So I haven't been to another gig since the zoo. After having Audrey I wasn't something that I wanted to do during her first year. I wanted to be home for her every night. But when The Front Bottoms announced that they were coming back to Melbourne, we decided to get tickets. Their show was the last gig that I got to attend in its entirety.

They are one of my favourite bands to see live and I'm excited to go out and have an Audrey-free night. To sing along with a sold out crowd who all love them as much as us.

PS: I don't care how many times I've shared this video on Facebook. It's one of my favs. It's also a song that Audrey loves because I use to sing it to her a nap time.

xx

Smorgy

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Goodbye Rug

Audrey has been off her food the last couple of days which we had put down to a few reasons

-Teething
-Sore throat left over from her cold
-Being a baby

BJ went off to table tennis and it was just Audrey and I hanging out before bed time. As it got closer she started to sulk and get cuddly which is pretty normal right before bed.
I heated her bottle, grabbed her dummy and we headed off to her room. She barely drank anything but seemed uninterested, so I lay her down in her bed and said goodnight.
After I walked out of the room she started to cry. I could tell from her cry that she was tired but her belly just wasn't full enough so I re-heated the bottle and went back in for a second attempt.
She drank a bit more but still not anywhere near as much as she would normal drink at night. I lay her back down and closed the door.

She stirred a little but fell asleep within a few minutes. We decided when BJ got home at 10.30pm to give her a top up of milk before we went to bed because of how little she drank today. BJ warmed up the bottle and headed into her room. Then he shouts down the hallway "She's puked everywhere!"

I head down to the back end of the house to find Audrey covered in puke and tears. She had projectile vomited through the cot bars onto the rug and somehow had puke all over her front and all over the back of her head.

It was really quite impressive. How can so much come out of something so small?!

She was so sad and I instantly felt guilty. Guilty that I didn't noticed when she puked on the monitor. Guilty that she's been lying in it for god only knows how long. Guilty that I didn't notice that she was feeling unwell.

Instantly we both switched on parent mode and BJ ran a bath while I stripped Audrey down and gave her puke covered cuddles until it was ready. While BJ cleaned the puke from her hair, I stripped the bed and got fresh sheets, blankets and pj's for her.

We dried her off, put on her fresh clean pj's and checked her temperature just in case. It was normal. Then BJ cuddled with her in the bedroom while I warmed up the bottle once more. She was soo sad. It broke my heart.

Whilst in the kitchen I hear BJ start to sing to try and settle her. It's such a sweet memory that I will never forget.

He settled her in his arms, with a beautiful calming song then I handed him the bottle and crept away. She again didn't drink a lot but it was enough. He lay her down in her clean cot and closed the door.

She was asleep almost instantly and did not wake again till morning.

This morning she was once again a happy, food loving kid.

And we decided to throw out the rug.

xx

Smorgy

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What Are You Doing To Me Kid?

Today Audrey woke up in the best mood... At 3 fucken AM.

I however, was not in a good mood. I'd been awake for an hour and a half with my jaw pain and was not mentally or physically ready for her to wake like that.

With all the pain and suffering Audrey put me through for the nine months she was growing inside me Audrey has made it back to me by being a good sleeper.

From 5 weeks old she was sleeping through the night. Occasionally she would want a feed around 3.30-4am but most nights she didn't wake till 6am.

For the last month she has slept till 8am most mornings, which is amazing and then will often go down for her first nap within an hour of waking which gives me time to have a shower and get some work done before she wakes again.

But last night she decided to wake... and she was WIDE awake!

Normally if she wakes during the night she will stir for a little bit to warn me and give me time to warm a bottle. But that was not the case last night. She just flipped onto her front and started talking away.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because I know many mums have to deal with babies who don't sleep well, have to get up several times at night for feeds, but when your body gets used to not having to do these things it really throws you out of whack when it happens.

For most of 2015 I slept terribly. Whilst pregnant I was too nauseous to sleep. As the months went on my back and hips ached constantly and I had terrible reflux. I could never get comfortable and then the first month of Audrey's life she would wake every 3 hours to feed. So I kind of feel like I earned a good sleeper. But where has she gone?

I seriously lost my shit this morning. There was lots and lots of silent screaming while the kettle boiled. BJ offered to feed her, which just made me feel even worse because he had to be up in 2 hours for work and hasn't been sleeping great lately.

I had my cry, gave Audrey her bottle and settled her back to sleep. After which I was still wide awake and in pain. I have no idea what time I finally fell asleep but I felt a lot better when I next woke.

#mumlife

xx
Smorgy

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One Year Ago Today

2015 started with mixed emotions. I was in the early stages of my pregnancy which was exciting and nerve racking. I was sick as a dog which left me with very little energy to be positive and an ongoing worry that something bad might happen.

One year ago today was one of my worse days of my pregnancy.I hadn't kept any food or liquids down in days, couldn't stand or lift my head and even when I laid perfectly still and didn't attempt to inject anything I was still vomiting constantly. To the point that there was just nothing but dry reaching and tearless cries.

This was the day that I went to the emergency room because I just didn't know what else to do and I couldn't suffer through the pain anymore.

Something I couldn't post about at the time because I was only 9 weeks pregnant.

At about 7.30pm, Mum drove me to Box Hill and we sat in the emergency waiting area for about 3 hours before they took me to a bed. In that 3 hours I had my blood pressure tested and was given some Zofran wafers to try and help me to stop vomiting.

As BJ didn't want the boys to be home alone he stayed with them and I kept him updated throughout the night via text (because I forgot to take a charger and had very little battery).

I was in the bed for at least an hour before I actually saw a nurse or doctor. When the nurse finally came in to insert my IV, it took her 6 attempts in my arms and hands because I was so dehydrated, my veins were nonexistent. She then called in the doctor and he got the IV in first go in the side of my wrist.

I was immediately black and blue from all the attempts, exhausted and starving. 4ltrs of fluids rang through the IV over the next 8 hours. Maxalon, Zofran and Panadol all consumed and one nurse actually went and found me something to eat at 2am when I finally felt like I could hold food down.

Whilst in the hospital bed all I could hear was the neighbouring patient talking with the doctors about her miscarriage. Not the best conversation to be hearing when you are only 9 weeks along, sick and scared about what's going to happen.

In the morning mum had to leave and head to work and not long after BJ showed up to sit with me until I could go home. But while I was there on my own all that raced through my head was 'am I able to do this?'. At this point we were crossing our fingers that by 12 weeks I'd start feeling better. (fat chance.)

It was about 12.30pm before I was discharged and we headed home to the boys who were eager to know where I'd been all night.

From that day I started a daily cocktail of Zofran wafers twice a day and Maxalon every 8 hours to make it possible for me to stomach food and liquids again. This continued right up until Audrey was born. In 7 months we spend over $1200 on the wafers alone.

This is a memory that is still very strong and one of the many reasons why I get so upset when people ask me 'when are you going back for more' or tell me 'you'll forget and have another'.

After getting to know Audrey these last 5 months I can say that I am glad I went through that 9 months of pain... But... it doesn't mean I'm interested in going through it all ever again.

Here is to feeling well in 2016.

xx
Smorgy


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Goodbye 2015

Well where do I begin...

This has been one crazy year. One year ago today I found out that I was pregnant after having some tests done a few days earlier as things just didn't seem right and the results were pregnancy and PCOS.

I announced the news to BJ while he was at work and that night we celebrated we brought in the new year, smiling about our little secret.

I then had two lovely weeks before the morning sickness started... and didn't stop for 8 whole months. My hyperemesis included the struggle to get out of bed or eat food, inability to stand in the shower, an overnight stay in the emergency room, Zofran wafers twice a day at $100 for 12 days worth and several trips to the doctors for Maxalon injections and repeat scripts.

By the end of my first trimester i had lost 10kg and got into a routine with my medication so that I was semi functional. I could get myself to work most days by 10.30am and could only stay on my feet for short periods of time. I could handle small meals and the only way to stomach water was for it to be ice cold and flavoured with cola cordial. Enormous amounts of ice was consumed throughout my pregnancy.

The announcement of our pregnancy happened at the end of February and Facebook went mental.

Before I had fallen pregnant (and knew I was going to be sick as anything for the entire thing) we bought tickets to go see Conor Oberst play a twilight show at the Melbourne Zoo and it took everything I had to get myself there only to have them cancel it 3 songs in due to a storm that was about to hit.

My year continued with lot's of medication, very little sleep, constant hips/back pain and then we found out the sex. A girl! A reminder about why i'm going through all this. Once again Facebook goes mental after a subtle gender reveal.

Amongst all this we sold our house and spent every free moment going to open homes to get a new place to live. Our sale was fantastic, finding a new place to live however was very time consuming and we had a lot of disappointment. Missing out on 3 properties and getting to the point that we almost had to rent as we were running out of time to find a place. Luckily we secured our new home and then the packing began. 

Appointment after appointment. Doctors, midwives, ultrasounds, osteo's... And then it was time to have my glucose tolerance test... and *Dramatic pause* I had gestational diabetes... Of course! 4 times a day I was having to test my blood sugar levels by pricking my finger and keep track of it all.

A couple of weeks after trying to manage my GD and being unsuccessful had me started on insulin. So on top of my 4 finger pricks a day I now had 3 needles in my tummy and EVEN more appointments. More doctors, more ultrasounds, more scripts and regular endo visits.

Our houses settle and we move into our new home while I was 8 months pregnant. Once we move in we find out that the previous owners didn't clean at all, the heater and evaporative cooling were not connected properly, no safety switch and there was a gas leak. So now I add even more appointments. Electrician, plumber, handyman. 

The last month of my pregnancy was weekly ultrasounds, monitoring and doctors/endo appointments and I get booked in to be induced. 

After a long and frustrating 24 hours in the hospital I was induced and Audrey J was brought into the world on the 5th September.. Within 4 hours! Crazy!! BJ and I were officially parents!

The moment Audrey was born I stopped feeling sick. It has been almost 4 months now and I am the lightest I've weighed in the last 8 years. It has been one hell of a roller coaster trying to find a balance between looking after Audrey and work. I barely took 6 days off when Audrey was born (still taking calls and answering emails in hospital) before I started working again (from home mostly). There have been a lot moments where I've just wanted to scream and cry when it comes to work let me tell you.

From 4 weeks Audrey was sleeping through the night. We had some hiccups with feeding and her first cold. She is now over 6kgs of pure cheekiness, giggling, grasping, rolling onto her back and the smile she gives me every time she see's me after her nap is just the best thing ever.

I also celebrated my 29th birthday and we had Audrey's first Christmas. It was soo fun to include her in our family christmas photo. I don't know how we are going to top it next year.

So although most of my year was a struggle to get through it is definitely ending on a high note. This year has taught me that I can do ANYTHING. That I am strong and determined and that nothing can stop me. 

And even though I will be reminding Audrey throughout her entire life about all the pain and suffering she put me through in those 9 months, I am so thankful for her and all that she has taught me already. 

Here's to a happy and healthy 2016.

xx

Smorgy

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