I found myself sitting at my desk wiping away my tears with one of Audrey's bibs. The frustration of the day finally caught up with me and I couldn't contain it anymore.
Normally this would be fine because 95% of the time I work from home. But yesterday I was actually in the office surrounded by staff. I remember getting to the point that I just wanted to stand up and hand her to someone and just walk away for a bit. But I kept trying to tell myself that I didn't need anyones help. When I'm at home I manage perfectly fine on my own, so I can do it here. I collected myself and decided to pack up and go home because I wasn't getting anything done in there. Then someone offered to make me a cup of tea and the tears started again. This time everyone noticed.
At home, I can put her down in her cot to nap, put her on her mat to play without her being in the way and I can get what I need to do done. But when I'm in the office I'm slowed down by everyone else wanting me for something, other jobs all of a sudden needing to be done, I can't put her down safely with all the foot traffic going on and IF she does grace me with a nap, I'm lucky to get 30 minutes from her when she is in her pram.
Yesterday Audrey was super fussy. Just sooking and wanting every minute of your attention but still not being satisfied with that. Refusing to finish any of her bottles. Not wanting to be held, or be on the floor or in her pram. Nothing would please her.
Two girlfriends told me that I'm doing a great job and that everyone has these moments and I appreciated it but I didn't feel like I was doing a great job at all. I felt like since the moment she was born I've had soo much pressure on me to do my job and look after her at the same time. I know lot of that I've put on myself but a lot of it I also didn't really have a choice.
I never really got to have maternity leave with Audrey. I am lucky if I get one day a week without having to do anything work related.
I've been having a emotional week, hormones are going mental and each day has been a struggle to keep my head above water. BJ's been working an early shift this week which means he gets home by about 5pm. Normally that would be perfect and I'd love it but by 5pm I'm just a mess. Mentally exhausted after a day of trying to do everything.
I know I can't do everything. Audrey is often in the same onesie she slept in for the whole day because I forget to change her. She can go more then a couple of days between baths because I struggle to get down on the floor and bathe her.
Dinner is often late because I forget to defrost the mince or Audrey decides that she wants my full attention in the evening and sooks if I look away to chop veggies.
When BJ got home he found Audrey rolling around on the floor and me sitting on the couch crying, because once it starts, it's hard to stop. He gave me a hug and played with Audrey and finally I felt like I could breath again. Audrey went down for a nice long nap before BJ headed back out for the night and I finally got some time to myself that didn't involving having to rush through a shower or shovel some food into my mouth. I sat down with a block of chocolate and a cold can of coke and I watched some trash on the tv and I just breathed.
I just looked up from my computer screen at her on the floor and she has pushed herself soo high up on her hands and is just smiling at me with those amazing chubby cheeks of hers.
Fuck I love that kid.
xx
Smorgy
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