Help Needed!

I am not one to ask for help. 

I don't like being let down and I would rather figure things out myself and make it work somehow then ask for help and be disappointed. 

It's happened too many times to count and it just makes everything worse.

I have been sick for the last 2 months. I've had four courses of antibiotic, multiple appointments and I've hit so many walls through that time. I've struggled with trying to work full time, be a mother, keep my house clean, organise/plan our bathroom renovation, all while attempting to make time for myself to rest and get better without feeling guilty or pressured.

This week my doctor sent me to get a chest x-ray to make sure nothing was being missed and I just found out it's come back clear. They swabbed my throat and confirmed that i have a respiratory virus and my only option is to just wait it out. 

I just have to deal with feeling like shit until I don't feel shitty anymore. And somehow I still have to keep on top of everything else when all I want to do is lie in bed.

Yesterday I hit another wall...hard! 

I was done! I wanted to quit my job, crawl up in my bed with a block of chocolate and cry forever. And in that moment I asked BJ for help.

Today he was able to work from home which allowed me to have some support with Audrey and lifted the weight off my shoulders a bit.

Audrey was so excited to have him home today. She didn't want me to do anything. BJ had to change the nappies, get her food and work whilst she sat on his lap. He got a little glimpse of what it's like for me every day. 

People often respond with 'You're lucky!' when I tell them I work from home. But what they don't realised is that it means I never get to 'leave work'. I live at my work. And i'm expected to drop everything when something needs to be done. 

I wonder if work is the reason why i'm so sick. 

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Fork This - Episode 24

In this episode BJ and I reach out to our friends from all over the world to see if they would like to help us...

I don't think anyone can say no to these faces

Fork This 24 - Beggars from BJ Carter on Vimeo.


Please click the Donate button if you would like to help us too :)

xx
Smorgy Pin It

25 in a month

So I looked at my calendar and realised that in one month i will be 25. Meaning my birthday will have gone and i'll just be 25.

I've never been big on celebrating my birthday. I don't have a lot of great birthday memories because things always seem to go wrong on that day.

Some amazing birthday i've had have been thanks to my beautiful partner BJ who always tries to make the day as amazing for me as possible.

The BEST birthday that comes to mind is when i turned 22 in 2008. BJ and I were travelling for 5 months and my birthday was celebrated on the Dawn and Drew farm in West Bend Wisconsin for 3 days with people from near and far who we'd never physically met, coming to party in the barn.

Drew Domkus, Dawn Meceli, Megan Newman and BJ Carter

I can remember the countdown to midnight. Everyone decided to climb up to the loft and i have this great group photo taken just after they all screamed

'5... 4... 3... 2... 1.......Happy Birthday!!!!'

It was an amazing experience and truely is my most favourite birthday memory ever.

Generally i prefer to spend my birthday with BJ and Cooper and just forget about the rest of the world for the day. Forget about how much junk food I've eaten or that i'm still in my PJ's at 3pm... Just be happy with the two most important people in my life.

Cooper and I 2009

But people keep asking me what i'm doing for this birthday. 25 seems to be a big thing in everyone elses mind so now i'm trying to decide if i can be bothered organising something for it.

I don't have a great success rate with birthday parties and I don't know that people would actually want to come if i did organise something. I don't want to set myself up for failure, planning something, getting excited about it and then being let down because people have their own lives to live and couldn't come to my little party. The last thing i want is to put in all that effort and only have 3 people turn up (And that includes BJ and I in the 3).

So what should i do?!

Should i organise a small gathering at my house?

A dinner out with some friends?

An evening at a bar for drinks?

Or just plan nothing and do what i normally do on my birthday?

I think the main issue i have is, I'm the organiser... I organise everything, and this is the one thing i really don't want to have to organise. It's not that i don't want to do anything, more that i'd just prefer someone else felt it important enough that they decide to plan something special for my birthday.

Any suggestions, ideas or comments? I'm be happy to hear them.

xx

Smorgy

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Making Friends

I never use to have a problem making friends (I dont think) but these days, it's just work, work, work and since I'm in a small office with few staff i dont really have the opportunity to meet a lot of people my age and create new friends.

One of my goals for this month is to make a new friend and I'm trying to figure out how i can achieve this.

I want this to be a real friend, not just someone i meet one night and add on facebook and that's really all it is, I want someone that i can friends with for years to come. A true friend.

I find myself looking at my facebook feeds and see all the people adding new friends weekly... But i havent added anyone new for a few months.
I get myself in a train of thought.. What are they doing that I'm not? Am i just not a friendly enough person? Why do they make friends so easily?

Then i start to wonder further... These people have over 300 'friends' on there facebook. Are they really friends? Have they physically met these people? Are they people that they went to high school with and was never friends with then but decided to add them anyway? Friends of friends of friends who you met one night out drinking but don't really know? People who they met whilst traveling years ago but have not spoken to since?

If you were to sit down and go through your entire list of friends, How many 'friends' are there who you could remove without making any difference to your facebook life? How many would not be missed from your feeds? How many who probably remove you if they bothered to go through there list?

Even if i went through my list i know i would find people that i know of school but haven't seen for 6+ years and having spoken to for almost as long, People who i dont ever hang out with, People that don't make a difference to my life by being my facebook friend.

I see people add new friends on a daily basis... It seems soo excessive to me, but maybe it's just because i don't do that myself. I don't accept everyone who asks me to be their 'friend'.

I want my list to be of actual friends... People that i plan to be friends with for a very long time.. I want people who I enjoy hearing from and reading updates about.

I've been told I should just bug people until they like me.
But that's not me... Bugging someone until they become my friend. If i have to bug them into it, then obviously it's not something they want and why should i put in so much of an effort?

I feel like to make more friends i need to change the person i am... But i don't want to do that either. There are plenty of people who like me for me so why be someone else to make friends who probably won't be real.

I've tried to organise group dinners and meetups in the past but they always seem to fail so I've given up on organising things. And I find when my partner and I do hang out with a group, they are more interested in talking to my partner and I'm on the side lines just watching.

So what do i need to do?
Do I need to be a different person?
Do I need to join a group of some kind?
Or do I just have to continue to be myself and accept that I have a small group of great friends and that's better than a huge number of facebook 'friends'? Pin It

Honesty

I recently decided to start up a diary again. It’s been years since I had one and I’ve kind of gotten to a point where I need to get a lot of things out on to paper. (virtual paper)

The last couple of months I’ve been struggling a lot, with myself. I’ve had no motivation to craft or do anything that i really enjoy - and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier.

I’ve had a lot of history come to the surface, a lot of personal things to sort through, a car accident in my 6 month old baby, my puppy having an operation and other bits and pieces that have really brought me down.

I’ve come to realise that I only have one friendship that is there for me always and helps me when I’m down. I don’t have anyone that I can just call up last minute and go hang out with. I seem to just have a lot of acquaintances but very few friends and that’s making life hard.

I make all these beautiful pieces of jewelry which I’m really happy with and I think are awesome, but I have no one to give them to.

I know that everyone has it tough and I’m not THAT person who thinks that there life is the worst and everyone should feel sorry for them… and that’s the last thing I want. But the past 10 years of my life have been a total roller coaster. I’ve lost a lot of people who I cared a great deal about. Some in death, some in disagreements, but a lot of them I couldn’t tell you why because I don’t know myself. (I wish I did)

I do so much for the people in my life, the people who mean something to me. At the drop of a hat I am there for them, they need something made – I do it right away, I am supporting them every way I can… But I don’t seem to get anything in return. All I want is a thank you but mostly; I get nothing.

I’ve given up on going all out and giving 100% to people that just don’t support me back.

I’ve decided to set some goals for this year to improve my head space and get me enjoying life again:

1. If something is bothering me, im going to say something. Im not going to bite my tongue and just pretend there’s nothing wrong.
   
   
2. I’m going to spend more time doing things for me. Im all about helping friends/family, but I need some time for myself too and when they don’t help me why so I put in soo much of an effort?!
   
   
3. I am going to re-design my website. I’ve hated it since about a month after I launched it… I don’t think anyone goes there and I want to change that.
   
   
4. I’m going to craft more. This works with ‘2’ because having some time for myself means that I CAN do ‘4’.
   
   
5. Im going to try and focus on the positive things in life.
   
   

These five goals are a starting point. I have more that I a bit too personal to post. Im going to try and accomplish these goals and improve where im at currently.

I’ve been reminded recently that this year I turn 25.

I just don’t know where the years have gone and I want to be able to look back in another 10 years and see that I am no longer where I am now. That I am a happier, confident and positive person.

Im sorry about posting that on a blog that is ment for craft but I don’t think anyone actually reads my blogs anyway and I had to get this out into the world.

xx

Smorgy 

I dont want to be this person anymore

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