2017 Is Here

Facebook has been overflowing with people wishing 2016 would fuck off and now it has.... thanks to a wonderful thing called time.

2016 had a lot of highs and lows for everyone.

In 2016 we celebrated Audrey's 1st birthday. Something I still haven't blogged about because I'm super slack. Audrey's birthday gave me an excuse to get creative. I worked on my baking skills and did things I've never done before with icing. I had a lot of fun (though it was stressful at times) planning and preparing for her fiesta.

Audrey also had lots of development milestones including walking, first words and first shit in the bath. I turned 30 which I don't think is all that exciting but other people seem to think so.

Both BJ and I had a lot of work stress that weighed us down and took it toll. BJ also had a car accident and we ALL got gastro... fun times!!

But I decided the first week into 2017 that 2017 of the year for me!

This year I'm making time for me, doing things for me, and putting myself first a bit more.

As of February Audrey will be going to child care 3 days a week. I'm separating work days and 'mum' days. As 2016 went on and Audrey grew I found it harder and harder to juggle everything and my mental state at times were pretty bad. I didn't have a way to escape. The decision to send her to childcare for three days a week was not easy for me. It involved a pro's and con's list and a lot of tears.

At first, I felt like I was being selfish, I was a bad mum. But then I realised that it will make me a better mum. Because on the days that she is home I will actually take off my work hat and just be a mum, which is something I've not been able to do since she was born. I've always had to just wear all the hats and hope they don't fall.

In my days without Audrey, I am going to make some time for me. Not just for appointments or food shopping but to do things that make me happy like bake and craft.

I generally don't bother setting goals for a year because I find they never get achieved but this year I've decided to do a few monthly challenges starting this month we a 30-day challenge to learn the techniques needed to be able to do calligraphy. I'm on day two (because I started late) and I love that I have something that requires me to shut my brain off, put down my phone, look away from screens, grab a pen and just go for it.

I've also decided that I'm going to look after myself physically, not just mentally. I'm going to spend more time strengthing my core to reduce my constant back problems which will again help me to become a better mum.

Some other things I would like to achieve this year are more family adventures and a little family holiday somewhere. I'm also going to push BJ a little more to look after himself and take some time to spend with his mates and write more often.

I would love to say that Fork This is going to get back to its regular weekly postings but honestly, it's just one of those things that got a little too hard. The episodes will hopefully continue to be uploaded as often as we can.

I'm also looking forward to blogging more frequently. I enjoy doing this. I do it for me. I honestly don't think anyone really reads it or cares but it makes me feel good so I'm going to keep doing it until I don't enjoy it anymore.

xx
Smorgy

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Working Mum

I often make myself feel bad about not taking Audrey out to the park or sitting on the floor for ages playing with her until I remind myself that I work full time... weather Audrey is home or at Child Care.

Audrey currently goes to Child Care one day a week but I work EVERY day.

I took about 6 days off when Audrey was born. But if you ask BJ I didn’t even take that long because I still checked emails and took calls.

I am lucky enough to be able to work from home but it does have its disadvantages. I am expected to be able to do things at the drop of a hat and because there is always work to do I never really give myself a break. If Audrey’s napping I’m working, she’s wake I’m working, BJ goes out one night I’m working.

I don’t feel bad about working. I am providing for my family and that is important to me. Even if the money weren’t needed I would still want to work because I don’t want to be a ‘stay at home’ mum. I don’t want the title of ‘Audrey’s mum’ to be the only thing that defines me.

I don’t have anything against stay at home mums. That’s just not for me.

But when I see on social media people having lunch at the park with their kids I do have those moments where I feel a little guilty. Like I should be doing more, I should be trying harder. But again I remind myself that my situation is different and that’s ok.

I also remind myself that Audrey is not missing out, she is not deprived of anything. She is loved and looked after. Plus she is a happy kid. I work this hard for her. To give her the best I possibly can. And from me working she has learnt to be very independent and that makes me happy.

She is not sitting watching a screen all day, she is not in any devices like a jolly jumpers while I work. She is playing with her toys and learning. Being independent has helped this kid learn some amazing things. If there is a milestone to hit, she’s done it... and in most cases, months earlier then expected.

We have had a routine since day one. It was necessary for me to be able to get all my work done around Audrey’s needs. Specific nap, bottle, meal and bath times. I can plan my whole week because I know that between ‘these times’ Audrey will be napping and between ‘these times’ she needs to be awake so that she will go down without any issues at bedtime.

Audrey is not one to sleep in the car or pram these days so to make life easier, I avoid putting us in situations where she’s going to miss a nap.

Though our routine has had to change several times as Audrey’s grown, we work hard to figure out the what works best for Audrey with her new routine and then we stick to it because that’s how this household runs smoothly and how we keep everyone happy.

We are reaching the point where Audrey is going to transition to one nap a day and honestly I’m not ready for the transitioning part of this change but I know that once we get her into a routine she will do great.

I guess I just wanted to write this to remind myself that I’m doing an ok job. 

Scratch that… I’m doing a great fucking job!!

And so are all the other working mums out there!! We all deserve a night out! (Kid free of course) 

We did do some drawing time this week... It's not a trip to the park but it's something

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Three

Last week marked 11 years together and 3 years married and each year since our wedding BJ makes a compilation CD and we take our anniversary photo. It's my favourite time of year. And this year it was SO nice to be able to share it all with Audrey.

Our anniversary album never disappoints. BJ will collect songs over the year. Some old but mostly new songs. He will often hide an entire album if there is a song on it that he's wanting to save as a surprise.

This tradition started after we did a CD as the wedding favour for our guests. It was so much fun to make and was just so us. So I thought I'd share the playlists and albums covers.

The Wedding Album

This album is a mix of some of our favourite songs and also songs we including in our special day. 

Faithful Heights - Night Beds

Your Arms Around Me - Jens Lekman

Love Song - Tilly & The Wall

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

Love Interruption - Jack White

Stay Forever - Ween

These Old Shoes - Deer Tick

That's What's Up - Edward Sharp & The Magnetic Zero

In The Aeroplane Over The Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel

Think I'm In Love - Beck

No Children - The Mountain Goats

My Love - Mariachi El Bronx

As strange as this might sounds, this is our song. I love it!

(I was so sad when we saw The Mountain Goats live and they didn't play it.)

One

This album had a few of the same artists from our wedding album but seriously, how can you go wrong putting The Mountain Goats on a compilation CD? 

Shepherd's Bush Lullaby - Benjamin Gibbard

Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine

The Way Love Used To Be - Colin Meloy

Feb-75 - The Mountain Goats

Hannah Hunt - Vampire Weekend

The Hardest Part - Ryan Adams & The Cardinals

Nausea - Beck

Awkward Conversation - The Front Bottoms

Oh Yeah - Foxygen

Black Cadillacs - Modest Mouse

Palaces Of Montezuma - Grinderman

Seeing this song performed live is one of the most mesmerizing and amazing things I've ever experienced.

Two

I got this album one month before Audrey was born and it was the perfect album to get me through those last few weeks.

Just A Dream - Tobias Jesso Jr.
This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) - Iron & Wine And Ben Bridwell
Beginners - The Tallest Man On Earth
Wastes Of Time - Elvis Depressedly
Slow Show - The National
If I Love You - The Brian Jonestown Massacre
West Virginia - The Front Bottoms
Depreston - Courtney Barnett
Against Pollution - The Mountain Goats
A Girl In Port - Okkervil River
I Went To The Store One Day - Father John Misty

I seriously burst in tears as soon as the album started because of this beautiful song.
(And can you tell we have a serious love for The Mountain Goats)




Three
I've already listened to this album a few times and like the rest, I love it. This one tells the story of our first year with Audrey starting off with the song that was playing when she was born... Yes, my kid came out to mariachi music... She's my little Mexican baby.

Arpeggiator - Mariachi El Bronx
Welcome To Earth (Pollywog) Sturgill Simpson
C'est La Vie Way - Wolf Parade
Are You Serious - Andrew Bird
Two Kids - Laura Gibson
Dust Bunnies - Kurt Vile
Belong To You - Eric Bachmann
Brother's Song - Brand New
River - Leon Bridges
Being Around - Courtney Barnett

What the hell?! No Mountain Goats... C'mon BJ!
This is the song that I would sing to Audrey when I was trying to get her down in her cot. His album was often playing in the car so she would snooze... And because it's amazing!



Already excited about what next years album will be like

xx
Smorgy

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Goodbye Rug

Audrey has been off her food the last couple of days which we had put down to a few reasons

-Teething
-Sore throat left over from her cold
-Being a baby

BJ went off to table tennis and it was just Audrey and I hanging out before bed time. As it got closer she started to sulk and get cuddly which is pretty normal right before bed.
I heated her bottle, grabbed her dummy and we headed off to her room. She barely drank anything but seemed uninterested, so I lay her down in her bed and said goodnight.
After I walked out of the room she started to cry. I could tell from her cry that she was tired but her belly just wasn't full enough so I re-heated the bottle and went back in for a second attempt.
She drank a bit more but still not anywhere near as much as she would normal drink at night. I lay her back down and closed the door.

She stirred a little but fell asleep within a few minutes. We decided when BJ got home at 10.30pm to give her a top up of milk before we went to bed because of how little she drank today. BJ warmed up the bottle and headed into her room. Then he shouts down the hallway "She's puked everywhere!"

I head down to the back end of the house to find Audrey covered in puke and tears. She had projectile vomited through the cot bars onto the rug and somehow had puke all over her front and all over the back of her head.

It was really quite impressive. How can so much come out of something so small?!

She was so sad and I instantly felt guilty. Guilty that I didn't noticed when she puked on the monitor. Guilty that she's been lying in it for god only knows how long. Guilty that I didn't notice that she was feeling unwell.

Instantly we both switched on parent mode and BJ ran a bath while I stripped Audrey down and gave her puke covered cuddles until it was ready. While BJ cleaned the puke from her hair, I stripped the bed and got fresh sheets, blankets and pj's for her.

We dried her off, put on her fresh clean pj's and checked her temperature just in case. It was normal. Then BJ cuddled with her in the bedroom while I warmed up the bottle once more. She was soo sad. It broke my heart.

Whilst in the kitchen I hear BJ start to sing to try and settle her. It's such a sweet memory that I will never forget.

He settled her in his arms, with a beautiful calming song then I handed him the bottle and crept away. She again didn't drink a lot but it was enough. He lay her down in her clean cot and closed the door.

She was asleep almost instantly and did not wake again till morning.

This morning she was once again a happy, food loving kid.

And we decided to throw out the rug.

xx

Smorgy

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I Give Up

Tomorrow we are having my family here for an afternoon tea to celebrate a couple of recent birthdays. This is the first time I've had my family all here for a special occasion and some of them haven't been to our place since we moved in, so I was really looking forward to it.

I was planning to make a special birthday cake as well as some other goodies. As one of my nephew's is gluten free I wanted to make things allergy friendly.

My cake is a gluten and dairy free, two layer, vanilla bean cake with buttercream frosting. Currently it's 9.10pm and the cake is sitting in the fridge with a crumb coat on it and I'm still trying to decide what the fuck I'm going to do to the outside of it. It's been driving me insane trying to decide on something. I tried to be creative with the colour of the cake but feel I might have fucked it up... Won't know until we cut into it though.

If someone told me what kind of cake to do, I'd be fine... But having to decide for myself is really nerve racking. I hate making decisions.

I don't know when I will actually get around to finishing the cake as I'm procrastinating and avoiding it because I feel like it's just going to be a major failure.

As I seem to be failing everything right now.

A few days ago I attempted gluten free gingerbread men for the first time. I wanted to try it a few days early so that I'd have time to do something else if it was a complete flop. The mixture was perfect. It rolled well, didn't stick, kept the cookie cutter shape and didn't spread in the oven. BUT my oven is a piece of shit and doesn't heat evenly so it burnt most of the pieces and the few that didn't burn were a bit delicate and broken.

But 'that's ok!' I thought. I just need to buy some more gluten free flour and make another batch. This time I will keep the tray closer to the front of the oven and I will keep an eye on them to make sure they don't burn.

Easier said then done.

I brought new flour and while BJ played with Audrey I made the second batch. The dough was much stickier, didn't roll as well, was a bit flimsy trying to move the cookies to the tray and when I put them in the oven they spread like a motherfucker.

I tried changing the temperature of the oven but it made no difference. So I stopped. There was no point baking the rest of the dough if this is what they were going to do.

I sat on the floor with Audrey for awhile and built up the energy to try and make a third batch. I thought about everything I did. Anything that might have been different. For example on the first batch I creamed the butter and sugar together with a wooden spoon, but on the second batch I used the electric mixer. So for batch number three, I went back to the wooden spoon method. The dough consistency reminded me of the first batch, it rolled out and held it's shape like the first and I was feeling hopeful. Into the oven they went.. and then... they spread... AGAIN!!

I was mortified. I've spent all day baking the same thing over and over and having no success at all.

I feel like a failure. Can't even fucking getting some cookies right. Why am I even bothering? I should just give up!

These cookies were meant to work. They were going to look awesome. I was going to be soo proud of them.
But they failed. I failed! And now I feel like I shouldn't even try making Audrey's first birthday cake because I will fail at that too.

And I know that pretty much everyone who reads this will probably be thinking 'Dude! It's just gingerbread. Calm down!' But when all I do is working and look after Audrey, I need an excuse to do something I enjoy like baking. Hell, I never make time for myself to do ANYTHING! And maybe if I didn't have to spend all my time keeping Audrey away from the oven while it's on because it's hot as hell and she will burn her face off trying to kiss her reflection in the glass, then maybe that first batch wouldn't have burnt and I wouldn't be sitting in bed right now eating raw gingerbread (because let's face it, it's the best) trying not to cry and still not knowing what the fuck I'm going to do with this half-made cake in the fridge.

The top is what batch's two and three looked like (They kind of remind me of the the fat zombie stuck in the well in season 2 of The Walking Dead) and the bottom is what batch one looked like... If they didn't burn they would have been AMAZING!

I started Sunday morning in a total funk. Basically wanted to just give up on the cake all together. But I'd promised a special birthday cake to my niece who has just cracked double digits and I didn't want to let her down.

I made waaay more icing then was necessary for my tiny little cake and originally I wasn't happy with the colours I dyed it. But once I iced this cake I was quite surprised with how good it turned out.

All my niece told me was that she would like was for it to be light blue and light green. As it was also for my sisters birthday I wanted to incorporate purple in there too.

So the actual cake was a light green and black zebra strip cake and the outside was a blend of light blue and violet frosting. Then I made a heart shaped assortment of sprinkles on top and scattered more sprinkles all around.

Once I finished the cake my funk disappeared and I was excited to reveal it to everyone, though still nervous as to how it would look when we cut into it. But you know what? It actually wasn't bad at all. AND it tasted delicious!

The gingerbread was still a HUGE disappointment though!

xx
Smorgy

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9 Fucken Months

I haven't written anything in a while. Scratch that. I haven't posted anything in a while BUT I've written plenty.

I haven't been happy enough with anything I've written to post it though.

It's been a crazy couple of months. My work life has been crazy busy as always. I've struggled a lot with balancing work and baby day to day and some days are just horrible.

Audrey is now 9 months old and is no longer a little baby. She is the worlds fastest crawler, silent like a ninja sometimes. As soon as she is near anything that she can pull herself up on, she is standing and cruising around. If the object moves then off she goes walking it around the house. None of our dining chairs stay in the same spot for very long. This week she has even started trying to stand unsupported.

There are now 5 razor sharp teeth in her mouth, with 2 more currently cutting through and her hair has finally started growing.

She is also such a chatter. Loves the words 'mama' and 'up' at the moment. It is just amazing to watch her grow and develop day by day.

Over the last month we have developed a really good routine. One which I thought might be lost when Audrey got sick last week but thankfully it mostly has continued to run smoothly.

We have set nap and meal times and if we stick to them then the evenings are soo much more pleasant. The days when her routine is messed with are the hardest for me. I have to spend so much more time getting her back on track over the following days and with my work load, it's not easy.

I'm finding it hard to get as much work done as i need and find myself doing more and more after hours or on weekends to make up for it. I've started talking myself into looking at child care. It is not something I wanted to do before 12 months but I realise now that I cant keep going like this if I'm wanting to stay on top of things.

I never thought I'd be THAT mum who can't handle the thought of leaving their kid at child care. I mean, yeah, I always expected the first day would be rough but I'm struggling to make the appointments to just go and have a LOOK at places. It's really quite daunting and scary. I'm looking to book her in for 2 days a week so that I can have some solid work days. Mostly I'll still be working from home but it gives me the freedom to go into the office when necessary... AND also some time to myself because that just doesn't happen anymore. Ever!

I am also trying to make time for birthday prep. Audrey will be ONE in less then 3 months... (What the hell!!)

We decided we were going to have some fun with Audrey's 1st birthday to celebrate surviving a shit pregnancy and a really full on first year of parenthood... Oh yeah, and I guess we'll celebrate Aude's birthday too.

But I'll talk a little more about that soon.

xx
Smorgy


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