Help Needed!

I am not one to ask for help. 

I don't like being let down and I would rather figure things out myself and make it work somehow then ask for help and be disappointed. 

It's happened too many times to count and it just makes everything worse.

I have been sick for the last 2 months. I've had four courses of antibiotic, multiple appointments and I've hit so many walls through that time. I've struggled with trying to work full time, be a mother, keep my house clean, organise/plan our bathroom renovation, all while attempting to make time for myself to rest and get better without feeling guilty or pressured.

This week my doctor sent me to get a chest x-ray to make sure nothing was being missed and I just found out it's come back clear. They swabbed my throat and confirmed that i have a respiratory virus and my only option is to just wait it out. 

I just have to deal with feeling like shit until I don't feel shitty anymore. And somehow I still have to keep on top of everything else when all I want to do is lie in bed.

Yesterday I hit another wall...hard! 

I was done! I wanted to quit my job, crawl up in my bed with a block of chocolate and cry forever. And in that moment I asked BJ for help.

Today he was able to work from home which allowed me to have some support with Audrey and lifted the weight off my shoulders a bit.

Audrey was so excited to have him home today. She didn't want me to do anything. BJ had to change the nappies, get her food and work whilst she sat on his lap. He got a little glimpse of what it's like for me every day. 

People often respond with 'You're lucky!' when I tell them I work from home. But what they don't realised is that it means I never get to 'leave work'. I live at my work. And i'm expected to drop everything when something needs to be done. 

I wonder if work is the reason why i'm so sick. 

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Working Mum

I often make myself feel bad about not taking Audrey out to the park or sitting on the floor for ages playing with her until I remind myself that I work full time... weather Audrey is home or at Child Care.

Audrey currently goes to Child Care one day a week but I work EVERY day.

I took about 6 days off when Audrey was born. But if you ask BJ I didn’t even take that long because I still checked emails and took calls.

I am lucky enough to be able to work from home but it does have its disadvantages. I am expected to be able to do things at the drop of a hat and because there is always work to do I never really give myself a break. If Audrey’s napping I’m working, she’s wake I’m working, BJ goes out one night I’m working.

I don’t feel bad about working. I am providing for my family and that is important to me. Even if the money weren’t needed I would still want to work because I don’t want to be a ‘stay at home’ mum. I don’t want the title of ‘Audrey’s mum’ to be the only thing that defines me.

I don’t have anything against stay at home mums. That’s just not for me.

But when I see on social media people having lunch at the park with their kids I do have those moments where I feel a little guilty. Like I should be doing more, I should be trying harder. But again I remind myself that my situation is different and that’s ok.

I also remind myself that Audrey is not missing out, she is not deprived of anything. She is loved and looked after. Plus she is a happy kid. I work this hard for her. To give her the best I possibly can. And from me working she has learnt to be very independent and that makes me happy.

She is not sitting watching a screen all day, she is not in any devices like a jolly jumpers while I work. She is playing with her toys and learning. Being independent has helped this kid learn some amazing things. If there is a milestone to hit, she’s done it... and in most cases, months earlier then expected.

We have had a routine since day one. It was necessary for me to be able to get all my work done around Audrey’s needs. Specific nap, bottle, meal and bath times. I can plan my whole week because I know that between ‘these times’ Audrey will be napping and between ‘these times’ she needs to be awake so that she will go down without any issues at bedtime.

Audrey is not one to sleep in the car or pram these days so to make life easier, I avoid putting us in situations where she’s going to miss a nap.

Though our routine has had to change several times as Audrey’s grown, we work hard to figure out the what works best for Audrey with her new routine and then we stick to it because that’s how this household runs smoothly and how we keep everyone happy.

We are reaching the point where Audrey is going to transition to one nap a day and honestly I’m not ready for the transitioning part of this change but I know that once we get her into a routine she will do great.

I guess I just wanted to write this to remind myself that I’m doing an ok job. 

Scratch that… I’m doing a great fucking job!!

And so are all the other working mums out there!! We all deserve a night out! (Kid free of course) 

We did do some drawing time this week... It's not a trip to the park but it's something

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9 Fucken Months

I haven't written anything in a while. Scratch that. I haven't posted anything in a while BUT I've written plenty.

I haven't been happy enough with anything I've written to post it though.

It's been a crazy couple of months. My work life has been crazy busy as always. I've struggled a lot with balancing work and baby day to day and some days are just horrible.

Audrey is now 9 months old and is no longer a little baby. She is the worlds fastest crawler, silent like a ninja sometimes. As soon as she is near anything that she can pull herself up on, she is standing and cruising around. If the object moves then off she goes walking it around the house. None of our dining chairs stay in the same spot for very long. This week she has even started trying to stand unsupported.

There are now 5 razor sharp teeth in her mouth, with 2 more currently cutting through and her hair has finally started growing.

She is also such a chatter. Loves the words 'mama' and 'up' at the moment. It is just amazing to watch her grow and develop day by day.

Over the last month we have developed a really good routine. One which I thought might be lost when Audrey got sick last week but thankfully it mostly has continued to run smoothly.

We have set nap and meal times and if we stick to them then the evenings are soo much more pleasant. The days when her routine is messed with are the hardest for me. I have to spend so much more time getting her back on track over the following days and with my work load, it's not easy.

I'm finding it hard to get as much work done as i need and find myself doing more and more after hours or on weekends to make up for it. I've started talking myself into looking at child care. It is not something I wanted to do before 12 months but I realise now that I cant keep going like this if I'm wanting to stay on top of things.

I never thought I'd be THAT mum who can't handle the thought of leaving their kid at child care. I mean, yeah, I always expected the first day would be rough but I'm struggling to make the appointments to just go and have a LOOK at places. It's really quite daunting and scary. I'm looking to book her in for 2 days a week so that I can have some solid work days. Mostly I'll still be working from home but it gives me the freedom to go into the office when necessary... AND also some time to myself because that just doesn't happen anymore. Ever!

I am also trying to make time for birthday prep. Audrey will be ONE in less then 3 months... (What the hell!!)

We decided we were going to have some fun with Audrey's 1st birthday to celebrate surviving a shit pregnancy and a really full on first year of parenthood... Oh yeah, and I guess we'll celebrate Aude's birthday too.

But I'll talk a little more about that soon.

xx
Smorgy


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Grinding It Up

After some seriously painful nights of no sleep last week we established that I have started grinding my teeth due to stress. 

What could I possibly be stressed about?!

Oh I don't know, how about doing enough work for two full time staff while looking after an almost 6 month old. That's normal, right?!

Currently still in my pj's. Haven't gotten to shower or enjoy a minute of downtime when Audrey has napped because there is just too much work to do. Writing this is my downtime and it's purely to get out the frustration so that I can concentrate on work again.

Originally I thought the pain was coming from my tooth because I was meant to get a filling fixed last year but was pregnant and since having Audrey there has not been a spare moment to even think about booking in a dentist appointment.  But when I went to the dentist she informed me that it is not tooth pain at all. It's stress pain.

I've had two Osteo appointments to try and sort it out. Talk about painful! She put her fingers inside my mouth to work on muscles up between my lip and gums. It's given me some relief but the pain keeps coming back because the stress is still there.

I'm popping nurofen like candy and thats not giving me much relief. The Osteo suggested a muscle relaxant but when I have to look after Audrey it's just not an option. 

Audrey is now a fully qualified roller. Within 10 seconds she is under the coffee table or has managed to get a dog toy from the other side of the room. I am trying to stretch her bottles out to every 4 hours and in doing this she has decided to change her wake up time from 7.30-8am to 6am which really isn't helping when I'm barely sleeping because of the pain.

It is a horrible hot day and with Audrey's gums bothering her we have not had a great morning. I have so much I need to do for work but just can't find the minute to focus on it and get things done. 

BJ is now on his way home but it's going to be at least 1 1/2 hours before he gets here. Once he is home he gets to deal with a grumpy-mess of a wife for the evening. Like he has had to for every evening for the last few weeks. Lucky him!

Just got Audrey down for a nap which could last 30 minutes or 3 hours, so I say 'Fuck it!' I'm going to enjoy another maltesers block with my second can of coke for the day and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. I've fucken earnt them!

They were delicious. Time to attempt to get some more work done. 

xx

Smorgy

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Bibs - 1001 Uses

Thinking back on the last 5 months, yesterday definitely falls in the 'Top 5 bad days of motherhood' list.

I found myself sitting at my desk wiping away my tears with one of Audrey's bibs. The frustration of the day finally caught up with me and I couldn't contain it anymore.

Normally this would be fine because 95% of the time I work from home. But yesterday I was actually in the office surrounded by staff. I remember getting to the point that I just wanted to stand up and hand her to someone and just walk away for a bit. But I kept trying to tell myself that I didn't need anyones help. When I'm at home I manage perfectly fine on my own, so I can do it here. I collected myself and decided to pack up and go home because I wasn't getting anything done in there. Then someone offered to make me a cup of tea and the tears started again. This time everyone noticed.

At home, I can put her down in her cot to nap, put her on her mat to play without her being in the way and I can get what I need to do done. But when I'm in the office I'm slowed down by everyone else wanting me for something, other jobs all of a sudden needing to be done, I can't put her down safely with all the foot traffic going on and IF she does grace me with a nap, I'm lucky to get 30 minutes from her when she is in her pram.

Yesterday Audrey was super fussy. Just sooking and wanting every minute of your attention but still not being satisfied with that. Refusing to finish any of her bottles. Not wanting to be held, or be on the floor or in her pram. Nothing would please her.

Two girlfriends told me that I'm doing a great job and that everyone has these moments and I appreciated it but I didn't feel like I was doing a great job at all. I felt like since the moment she was born I've had soo much pressure on me to do my job and look after her at the same time. I know lot of that I've put on myself but a lot of it I also didn't really have a choice.

I never really got to have maternity leave with Audrey. I am lucky if I get one day a week without having to do anything work related.

I've been having a emotional week, hormones are going mental and each day has been a struggle to keep my head above water. BJ's been working an early shift this week which means he gets home by about 5pm. Normally that would be perfect and I'd love it but by 5pm I'm just a mess. Mentally exhausted after a day of trying to do everything.

I know I can't do everything. Audrey is often in the same onesie she slept in for the whole day because I forget to change her. She can go more then a couple of days between baths because I struggle to get down on the floor and bathe her.

Dinner is often late because I forget to defrost the mince or Audrey decides that she wants my full attention in the evening and sooks if I look away to chop veggies.

When BJ got home he found Audrey rolling around on the floor and me sitting on the couch crying, because once it starts, it's hard to stop. He gave me a hug and played with Audrey and finally I felt like I could breath again. Audrey went down for a nice long nap before BJ headed back out for the night and I finally got some time to myself that didn't involving having to rush through a shower or shovel some food into my mouth. I sat down with a block of chocolate and a cold can of coke and I watched some trash on the tv and I just breathed.

I just looked up from my computer screen at her on the floor and she has pushed herself soo high up on her hands and is just smiling at me with those amazing chubby cheeks of hers.

Fuck I love that kid.

xx
Smorgy


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Head Above Water

It's been 2 months since Audrey was born and I'm starting to feel like I've got a hang of this 'mum' thing.

In that first month i lost myself a bit. No making any time for me. When I had a break while she was napping it was mostly spent working

I've started quiet a few posts since she's been born but just haven't been in the right head space to work on them and get them right but I am hoping soon I will be able to post more. I want to document what's been going on in my life since Audrey joined us.

Over the last 2 months our world has changed. Not just for me and BJ but for our boys Gordon and Cooper. They have been so great with Audrey and I'm so proud of them.

BJ has now been back at work for a few weeks and since he went back it has given Audrey and I a chance to develop a routine. I've got a great system going with getting her down for her naps, keeping bottles clean and sterilised, getting the washing done and making sure I sit down and have a lunch break every day. I've gotten on top of my work (mostly) and I've even had a few adventures out of the house, just me and Audrey.

I've learnt very quickly that you need to add even more time then you excepted to get everyone ready and out of the house on time, that people have no respect for prams at the shops and even though there is a million things that need to be done, sometimes I just need to sit down with some chocolate and the tv and unwind.

She is a pretty cool kid and surprises me every day with how much she is learning and growing. And boy is she growing!

xx
Smorgy

Look at her cheeky face

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Aud-itions Are Closed

So after 244 brutal days of pregnancy and 4 painful hours of labour, I became a mother.
It still hasn't really sunk in... But it's about to.

Audrey passed her audition with flying colours.. She is pretty cool and I think we are going to keep her.

As a family we have gotten to share 5 life changing weeks together. Getting to know each other. Over this time I have seen BJ is a whole new light. He has taken on his new role as a father better then I could have ever imagined. I knew that he would be amazing but he has exceeded my expectations. He has shown me just how much he loves Audrey, Never having to actually say it (even though he does constantly) because I can see it in his eyes when he looks at her.

He has no problem changing a nappy, cooking dinner while I feed her or walking the house for ages to settle her. He has become the worlds best swaddler and at night will often wake up just to swaddle her so I can put her back in her cot.

Earlier I could hear him singing to her about changing her nappy through the baby monitor and currently I'm watching him play with Audrey, trying to get her to smile. It's amazing. HE'S AMAZING and Audrey and I are so lucky.

I am soo happy that we made the decision for him to take this time off work for when she was born so that we could do this together. I feel it's really important for him to bond with Audrey as much as me he has been able to do just that.

Together we have changed over 250 nappies, done more then 15 loads of washing, given Audrey more nicknames then she could ever remember and had more sleepless hours then I can count. (And lets not even talk about the wipes, Jesus we have been through a LOT of wipes.)

Tomorrow he goes back to work. Something we are all dreading. He is upset that he's not going to get to hang out and wont get to spend as much time with Audrey on weekdays and I'm upset that i'll having to start doing this all on my own while he's gone. I know I have friends and family around to support and help me if I need it but that doesn't change the fact that it's mostly going to be just me and Audrey.

BJ has made several comments about starting some sort of home business so that he wouldn't have to work... Which is a lovely fantasy but the reality is that this day was always going to come.

And now that it has i'm trying to psych myself up ready for my first day alone with Audrey. I am looking forward to spending time together, just the two of us, but I'm also over thinking all the things that could happen. I'm not worried about have to let her cry for a minute while I go to the bathroom but I am worried about her crying all day and me not being able to settle her.

Because I am working from home as well as looking after Audrey I worry about when I am going to find some time to do anything else. Time to clean up the kitchen, take a lunch break or even just have a moment for myself. I have struggled to find a good balance between the work and being a mother over the last 5 weeks and that's while BJ has been here to help me. But I am determined to make it work, to get my workload sorted so that I can spend as much time as possible bonding with Audrey and to get Audrey sorted so that I can take a moment to have a shower or enjoy one of my tv shows.

I know there will be good days and bad, laughter and tears and i'm nervous but also excited about it.

xx
Smorgy

Photos by our amazing photographer Bianca Cash

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Forgetful Blogger

I cannot believe how slack I've been this year with blogging. It's not that i don't have anything to say but i have been SUPER crazy busy with work and life.

BJ and I have been work hard planning our wedding/honeymoon/second wedding, saving our pennies and also trying to live a healthier lifestyle.

I WAS getting into a pretty good exercise routine until my back decided to go and I've spent the last month in a lot of pain. It has put me out of pocket quiet a bit with osteo appointments but it's finally starting to feel back to normal.

The wedding plans are coming along really well. We found out venue in February, invitations went out last week (which i designed and made myself - with help from BJ of course), photographer is booked, dress is ordered, honeymoon flights are booked. We have 4 months till the big day and I really feel like we are on top of things.

Fork This is still going strong. Out every Sunday. Get on it!!

This month BJ and I have done Meatless March. It really hasn't been as hard as i thought it would be to give up meat but i am looking forward to having meat options again soon.

I need to work on getting back into a blogging routine because i really miss putting things out on here.

I promise to be back soon but until then here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

xx
Smorgy

BJ and I being awesome

Mother Coopressa

Sooo long invitations

Meet Dale 'The Rock' Cooper

Meet my friends beautiful new bub

I got an iPad mini

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No Motivation

I haven't been blogging lately because I've not been feeling very creative lately. 

I don't know if it's the weather or the full time job but when i do get some time on the weekends to myself the last thing I've felt like doing is making something.

I haven't gotten many online ordered from my website which has left me unmotivated to create new things and put them up. I have gotten any negative feedback, and the site is getting well over 300 hits a month, but nothing is coming from it.

I was thinking about taking it down but I'm still not sure. 

I usually get motivated when a birthday comes around and i that a creative gift would be nice, but there haven't really  been any recently.

On top of working full time i am also saving and planning for a trip back to the USA. I'm excited for when i get there and i get to go to their craft stores... I will bring back some awesome new supplies which will hopefully get me more motivated. 

If anyone has any suggestions of what they might like to see on my site, I would love the feedback.

xx

Smorgy Pin It