Working Mum

I often make myself feel bad about not taking Audrey out to the park or sitting on the floor for ages playing with her until I remind myself that I work full time... weather Audrey is home or at Child Care.

Audrey currently goes to Child Care one day a week but I work EVERY day.

I took about 6 days off when Audrey was born. But if you ask BJ I didn’t even take that long because I still checked emails and took calls.

I am lucky enough to be able to work from home but it does have its disadvantages. I am expected to be able to do things at the drop of a hat and because there is always work to do I never really give myself a break. If Audrey’s napping I’m working, she’s wake I’m working, BJ goes out one night I’m working.

I don’t feel bad about working. I am providing for my family and that is important to me. Even if the money weren’t needed I would still want to work because I don’t want to be a ‘stay at home’ mum. I don’t want the title of ‘Audrey’s mum’ to be the only thing that defines me.

I don’t have anything against stay at home mums. That’s just not for me.

But when I see on social media people having lunch at the park with their kids I do have those moments where I feel a little guilty. Like I should be doing more, I should be trying harder. But again I remind myself that my situation is different and that’s ok.

I also remind myself that Audrey is not missing out, she is not deprived of anything. She is loved and looked after. Plus she is a happy kid. I work this hard for her. To give her the best I possibly can. And from me working she has learnt to be very independent and that makes me happy.

She is not sitting watching a screen all day, she is not in any devices like a jolly jumpers while I work. She is playing with her toys and learning. Being independent has helped this kid learn some amazing things. If there is a milestone to hit, she’s done it... and in most cases, months earlier then expected.

We have had a routine since day one. It was necessary for me to be able to get all my work done around Audrey’s needs. Specific nap, bottle, meal and bath times. I can plan my whole week because I know that between ‘these times’ Audrey will be napping and between ‘these times’ she needs to be awake so that she will go down without any issues at bedtime.

Audrey is not one to sleep in the car or pram these days so to make life easier, I avoid putting us in situations where she’s going to miss a nap.

Though our routine has had to change several times as Audrey’s grown, we work hard to figure out the what works best for Audrey with her new routine and then we stick to it because that’s how this household runs smoothly and how we keep everyone happy.

We are reaching the point where Audrey is going to transition to one nap a day and honestly I’m not ready for the transitioning part of this change but I know that once we get her into a routine she will do great.

I guess I just wanted to write this to remind myself that I’m doing an ok job. 

Scratch that… I’m doing a great fucking job!!

And so are all the other working mums out there!! We all deserve a night out! (Kid free of course) 

We did do some drawing time this week... It's not a trip to the park but it's something

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I Give Up

Tomorrow we are having my family here for an afternoon tea to celebrate a couple of recent birthdays. This is the first time I've had my family all here for a special occasion and some of them haven't been to our place since we moved in, so I was really looking forward to it.

I was planning to make a special birthday cake as well as some other goodies. As one of my nephew's is gluten free I wanted to make things allergy friendly.

My cake is a gluten and dairy free, two layer, vanilla bean cake with buttercream frosting. Currently it's 9.10pm and the cake is sitting in the fridge with a crumb coat on it and I'm still trying to decide what the fuck I'm going to do to the outside of it. It's been driving me insane trying to decide on something. I tried to be creative with the colour of the cake but feel I might have fucked it up... Won't know until we cut into it though.

If someone told me what kind of cake to do, I'd be fine... But having to decide for myself is really nerve racking. I hate making decisions.

I don't know when I will actually get around to finishing the cake as I'm procrastinating and avoiding it because I feel like it's just going to be a major failure.

As I seem to be failing everything right now.

A few days ago I attempted gluten free gingerbread men for the first time. I wanted to try it a few days early so that I'd have time to do something else if it was a complete flop. The mixture was perfect. It rolled well, didn't stick, kept the cookie cutter shape and didn't spread in the oven. BUT my oven is a piece of shit and doesn't heat evenly so it burnt most of the pieces and the few that didn't burn were a bit delicate and broken.

But 'that's ok!' I thought. I just need to buy some more gluten free flour and make another batch. This time I will keep the tray closer to the front of the oven and I will keep an eye on them to make sure they don't burn.

Easier said then done.

I brought new flour and while BJ played with Audrey I made the second batch. The dough was much stickier, didn't roll as well, was a bit flimsy trying to move the cookies to the tray and when I put them in the oven they spread like a motherfucker.

I tried changing the temperature of the oven but it made no difference. So I stopped. There was no point baking the rest of the dough if this is what they were going to do.

I sat on the floor with Audrey for awhile and built up the energy to try and make a third batch. I thought about everything I did. Anything that might have been different. For example on the first batch I creamed the butter and sugar together with a wooden spoon, but on the second batch I used the electric mixer. So for batch number three, I went back to the wooden spoon method. The dough consistency reminded me of the first batch, it rolled out and held it's shape like the first and I was feeling hopeful. Into the oven they went.. and then... they spread... AGAIN!!

I was mortified. I've spent all day baking the same thing over and over and having no success at all.

I feel like a failure. Can't even fucking getting some cookies right. Why am I even bothering? I should just give up!

These cookies were meant to work. They were going to look awesome. I was going to be soo proud of them.
But they failed. I failed! And now I feel like I shouldn't even try making Audrey's first birthday cake because I will fail at that too.

And I know that pretty much everyone who reads this will probably be thinking 'Dude! It's just gingerbread. Calm down!' But when all I do is working and look after Audrey, I need an excuse to do something I enjoy like baking. Hell, I never make time for myself to do ANYTHING! And maybe if I didn't have to spend all my time keeping Audrey away from the oven while it's on because it's hot as hell and she will burn her face off trying to kiss her reflection in the glass, then maybe that first batch wouldn't have burnt and I wouldn't be sitting in bed right now eating raw gingerbread (because let's face it, it's the best) trying not to cry and still not knowing what the fuck I'm going to do with this half-made cake in the fridge.

The top is what batch's two and three looked like (They kind of remind me of the the fat zombie stuck in the well in season 2 of The Walking Dead) and the bottom is what batch one looked like... If they didn't burn they would have been AMAZING!

I started Sunday morning in a total funk. Basically wanted to just give up on the cake all together. But I'd promised a special birthday cake to my niece who has just cracked double digits and I didn't want to let her down.

I made waaay more icing then was necessary for my tiny little cake and originally I wasn't happy with the colours I dyed it. But once I iced this cake I was quite surprised with how good it turned out.

All my niece told me was that she would like was for it to be light blue and light green. As it was also for my sisters birthday I wanted to incorporate purple in there too.

So the actual cake was a light green and black zebra strip cake and the outside was a blend of light blue and violet frosting. Then I made a heart shaped assortment of sprinkles on top and scattered more sprinkles all around.

Once I finished the cake my funk disappeared and I was excited to reveal it to everyone, though still nervous as to how it would look when we cut into it. But you know what? It actually wasn't bad at all. AND it tasted delicious!

The gingerbread was still a HUGE disappointment though!

xx
Smorgy

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Aud-itions Are Closed

So after 244 brutal days of pregnancy and 4 painful hours of labour, I became a mother.
It still hasn't really sunk in... But it's about to.

Audrey passed her audition with flying colours.. She is pretty cool and I think we are going to keep her.

As a family we have gotten to share 5 life changing weeks together. Getting to know each other. Over this time I have seen BJ is a whole new light. He has taken on his new role as a father better then I could have ever imagined. I knew that he would be amazing but he has exceeded my expectations. He has shown me just how much he loves Audrey, Never having to actually say it (even though he does constantly) because I can see it in his eyes when he looks at her.

He has no problem changing a nappy, cooking dinner while I feed her or walking the house for ages to settle her. He has become the worlds best swaddler and at night will often wake up just to swaddle her so I can put her back in her cot.

Earlier I could hear him singing to her about changing her nappy through the baby monitor and currently I'm watching him play with Audrey, trying to get her to smile. It's amazing. HE'S AMAZING and Audrey and I are so lucky.

I am soo happy that we made the decision for him to take this time off work for when she was born so that we could do this together. I feel it's really important for him to bond with Audrey as much as me he has been able to do just that.

Together we have changed over 250 nappies, done more then 15 loads of washing, given Audrey more nicknames then she could ever remember and had more sleepless hours then I can count. (And lets not even talk about the wipes, Jesus we have been through a LOT of wipes.)

Tomorrow he goes back to work. Something we are all dreading. He is upset that he's not going to get to hang out and wont get to spend as much time with Audrey on weekdays and I'm upset that i'll having to start doing this all on my own while he's gone. I know I have friends and family around to support and help me if I need it but that doesn't change the fact that it's mostly going to be just me and Audrey.

BJ has made several comments about starting some sort of home business so that he wouldn't have to work... Which is a lovely fantasy but the reality is that this day was always going to come.

And now that it has i'm trying to psych myself up ready for my first day alone with Audrey. I am looking forward to spending time together, just the two of us, but I'm also over thinking all the things that could happen. I'm not worried about have to let her cry for a minute while I go to the bathroom but I am worried about her crying all day and me not being able to settle her.

Because I am working from home as well as looking after Audrey I worry about when I am going to find some time to do anything else. Time to clean up the kitchen, take a lunch break or even just have a moment for myself. I have struggled to find a good balance between the work and being a mother over the last 5 weeks and that's while BJ has been here to help me. But I am determined to make it work, to get my workload sorted so that I can spend as much time as possible bonding with Audrey and to get Audrey sorted so that I can take a moment to have a shower or enjoy one of my tv shows.

I know there will be good days and bad, laughter and tears and i'm nervous but also excited about it.

xx
Smorgy

Photos by our amazing photographer Bianca Cash

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How I Met Your Mother Finale Party

At the start of April it was time to suit up and say goodbye to How I Met Your Mother.

We have always enjoyed the series even though we feel it started to drag a fair bit, and this last season being completely focused around Robin and Barney's wedding was getting old... But the finale was almost perfect.

I don't want to post any spoilers incase people haven't seen it but the last episode really wrapped everything up beautifully... I just wished it had of ended about 2 minutes earlier. Then i would have been completed satisfied.

BJ and I love finale parties but we had been a bit preoccupied and even though we had plenty of ideas, we hadn't implemented any of them.

Sadly, in the end everything we had for our finale party was made the day of, during my lunch break.

Pictured: BJ and I suiting up, The all important graphs, an intervention sign, and a blue french horn above the TV.

Unfortunately i didn't get photos of everything. We did have some sumbitches to enjoy and i decorated a bottle of pineapple soft drink to look like a real pineapple.

The next finale party we have will be for Californication, which i feel is going to be a bit of a challenge but i will do my best.

xx
Smorgy

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